Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The Thing In My Garage




There I was, drowning my sorrows with High School Musical-- hey, at least I'm being honest, all right? I really didn't think it could be as bad as everyone said it was-- and folding laundry.

Now I knew that I wouldn't be able to postpone going in there forever. At some point before going to bed I would have to open the garage door, turn on the light, and make my way to the dryer to retrieve a clean sheet for my eldest son's bed. I knew I would have to do it; it was just a matter of when. Just a matter of working up a little positive energy and self-control.

You might not believe this, but right at the moment when Zac Efron is walking away from the indignant what's-her-name's house after a failed attempt at reconciliation, I decided to pause the movie. I mean, this was about self-control, after all. I put some laundry away in various parts of the house.

And then it was time. No excuses left.

What's the big deal? you might be asking. So go in the garage already, pansy-cakes. I mean, not only do you have a strong, handsome husband to accompany you should you so choose, but what could possibly be so scary about your garage at 11:45 p.m. when for the last hour your house has been full of Ashley Tisdale's sing-song, slightly nasal voice and lots of dancing basketball players?

But first of all, you would be wrong in assuming that I have a strong, handsome husband to accompany me. Sure, he's strong and handsome, but he also happens to be away at a conference in Boston at the moment, so I am fending for myself (again, not that I'm complaining or anything) (oh, and did you really think I'd be desperate enough to watch High School Musical if Josh were here?).

Second, why does the thought of entering the garage, specifically at night, strike fear into my very bones? Well, it's as simple as this:


There are cockroaches in the garage.


Now, if you know me, you just took it for granted that I was hyperventilating as I typed that word above. No, not "garage"; the other one.

Yes, Josh met a few (and by a few, I mean he killed six of them, and a few more got away) cockroaches (that word again!) in the garage the other night and I have been paralyzed with fear ever since. And our landlord hasn't replied about pest control yet so things are not in my hands at the moment.

So I opened the door a crack, stuck my hand in to switch on the light, then quickly shut it again. Then, after giving things a moment to clear up so to speak and all that and so forth, I peeked gingerly through the garage door window.

The coast was clear. Only bright light, the minivan, and a clear path to the dryer in my view.

I focused on my goal. A few more seconds and a deep breath, and then I sprinted for it. I opened the dryer, trying to stay calm, grabbed that overrated piece of blue cotton (why do kids need sheets anyway? they're just going to pee on them over and over and over again) and shut the dryer.

So far so good, so by this point, I was starting to gain a little confidence. Co-- okay I just can't type that word again right now. Let's just say I hadn't seen anything, and let's be honest, sometimes I get all worked up over nothing. The garage is a clean place, we are clean people, Josh must have killed them all, we've started putting dirty diapers in the outside trash instead of in the garage... I looked back up at the door, ready to reenter the house in triumph and that is when I saw it.

A giant black thing on the door frame, right next to the open garage door.

It was just sitting there, motionless. Waiting. Waiting for me. I was trapped.

I screamed. And screamed. And screamed.

Nobody heard me.

Time stood still. I would just have to spend the rest of forever frozen in front of the dryer with a sheet in my hands, my children starving in the distant house without me...

But wait! The door was open! That thing was an inch away from BEING INSIDE MY HOUSE!

I had to get in before it did.

Gametime decision.
It was now or never.



I'm pretty sure Usain Bolt should hand over yesterday's gold medal to me. I am positively convinced that I broke the world record for sheer inhuman speed as I dashed across the garage and up the three stairs, past that disgusting thing and into the house before slamming the door. And locking it.

Take that, cockroach.



That is, until I have to go into the garage again.



No, but seriously guys, I might die. If I never blog again, you'll know why.

16 comments:

K.E.N said...

Don't feel stupid, when I read there was one by the door I almost screamed...seriously. Those things are, by far, the absolutely most disgusting things in the whole world and I wouldn't want to go into my garage either if they lived there. Eww...I'm still having shivers.

Sarah Dunster said...

Lolol. Laughing so hard I can't handle it. They're just going to pee on them over & over & over again...truth.

Ryan said...

Maybe just imagine that the c-roach has Zac Efrons face and is singing to you! Awwww!

merrilykaroly said...

Ryan, you just succeeded in making my life even scarier than it already was. And don't even think about a cruel, twisted birthday card when my next birthday rolls around. I'm saying it before you can even think of it so you know I would never forgive you. Ahem.

2DollarBill said...

Adele, you poor BRAVE thing! I'm so proud of you. I don't think I could have gone in there. Those are the one thing I don't understand why they exist.

Betsy (Eco-Novice) said...

Sweetheart, I once opened the door from the kitchen to the garage, and a RAT jumped across my path -- I'd say less than 2 feet away from me. Take it from me (having survived both), rats are even worse than cockroaches.

Lori said...

Oh adele, i love you dearly.

Camilla said...

Ok, so I had an almost identical experience last week with a GIANT scorpion. Except this big fat sucker was IN MY KITCHEN CUPBOARD. There I was, lightheartedly making some cookies while Evie watched cheerfully from her bumbo on top of the counter (don't call CPS on me, please). I bent down to grab the hand mixer and... screamed my head off for about two seconds until I saw Evie's startled, almost about to cry face. That was enough to help me take a few panicked breaths, hop from foot to foot a few times, while trying to smile and say "it's okay, Evie," while trying to figure out what the heck to do. Vacuum. I've never been brave enough to go after a scorpion before, with or without a vacuum. But I had to. For my sweet little baby's sake (let me remind you that the only seriously dangerous species of scorpion in the US live in AZ, and they are really only fatally dangerous to old people and babies. Sigh.) Ryan was at not at home, and I knew if I didn't get the sucker right then and there I'd wonder where it was ever after (not the Drew Barrymore movie). So I feel ya.

I wasn't trying to one up your story, I promise. Just commiserating. Bugs are lame. Okay, more than lame, I HATE bugs. And cockr- (I can't type that word either -shudder-) are TERRIBLE. Congrats on being so brave!

Katie Bradley said...

Oh man, cockroaches are just so horrible. We're in TX right now and the chief reason I don't want to live here permanently is because of those dang bugs. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. You were so brave.

Curtiss & Ginger said...

ahhhahahahah you just made me laugh so hard!! I lived in Cali one summer and I literally had nightmares about them. Good luck and SO SO sorry!!!!

Jenny said...

You're my hero! I hate them too. I've had some awful experiences with them here in NV too, and I can't even talk about them. You are awesome!

Dahlia said...

I think you should get yourself a pair of galoshes (ones that go up to your knees) with metal toes for every time you have to go in the garage!

Kira said...

I LOVE highschool musical!!! I am not ashamed!!!

Linda said...

Sorry! I just can't stop laughing. Your prose is SO wonderful. But I'm the same way when it comes to the creepy critters. I would have given you a run (no pun intended)for the money--I mean gold doing the frantic sprint. Those horrid "C's" are one of the worst creations this world has to offer. Someday we will not have this issue. Maybe all "C's" will be in hell! That's where I think they belong anyway.

Also, I found High School Musical to be somewhat entertaining. There was some major talent shown there even if the storyline was ho-hum.

Linda said...

Sorry! I just can't stop laughing. Your prose is SO wonderful. But I'm the same way when it comes to the creepy critters. I would have given you a run (no pun intended)for the money--I mean gold doing the frantic sprint. Those horrid "C's" are one of the worst creations this world has to offer. Someday we will not have this issue. Maybe all "C's" will be in hell! That's where I think they belong anyway.

Also, I found High School Musical to be somewhat entertaining. There was some major talent shown there even if the storyline was ho-hum.

Lora said...

Bahhh!!! I love it! I feel the same way about mice. (spine shiver). I am so proud of you!